Dearest sister

Dearest sister,

I would love to be the bearer of good news for once, but I am afraid most of what I have is bad. Some of it is really bad. There’s one bit that’s truly awful, and two more that I’m not even going to bother to mention, they are so disturbing. Actually, I have nothing pleasant to relate at all, so don’t get your hopes up. Such are the times in which we live.

This, I suppose, is mildly amusing: We were forced to eat the neighbors today. It was either that or break open the spam and zweiback. Funny thing is, we weren’t even that hungry. I guess our eyes were bigger than our stomachs! Ha-ha!

Packs of wild dogs continue to roam the streets. There’s even a group of rowdy squirrels tossing nuts at anyone brave enough to wander outside. I think I saw a rabbit take out the postman last Tuesday. Serves him right. Nothing but junkmail these days.

What have we done to bring all these horrors upon ourselves? Are we even to blame? By “we” I mean everyone else. I know I’m not to blame. I am blameless. (Except for eating the neighbors, of course. That was probably a bit over the top.) Who would have thought one network could wreak so much havoc? Sure, The Wreak Havoc Channel does. So does Rack and Ruin TV, and Rack and Ruin TV2. And The Disney Channel, of course. OK. Lots of people could have thought this through. So why didn’t anyone?

So here we are. At 7pm, Central Time, this evening, the BigTen Network is launched and there are still very few deals in place with the cable companies. I have DirecTV, so I can’t say that I’d really care if it were not for the chaos taking place all over the country. I heard Katie Couric even blew a gasket on the evening news last night when she heard about the football games she would be missing this Saturday. Just take a gander!

12:00 p.m. EDT

Appalachian State at Michigan (Ch. 220 - Primary Game)

Youngstown State at Ohio State (Ch. 218 - Overflow Game)

Northeastern at Northwestern (Ch. 219 - Overflow Game)

Florida International at Penn State (Ch. 221 - Overflow Game)

8:00 p.m. EDT

Bowling Green at Minnesota (Ch. 220 - Primary Game)

Indiana State at Indiana (Ch. 218 - Overflow Game)

Do you blame her? I mean, the Northeastern-Northwestern game is worth a year’s subscription right there! We’re talking 100,000 fans waving big old compasses and drinking way too much beer! Can you imagine the entertainment?

As for volleyball, well, you can only imagine what people are going to be missing. The schedule is practically chock-full of volleyball tilts, in a chock-depleted sort of way. No doubt BigTen Network crews are being rushed to gyms all over the Midwest as I type, preparing to cover this weekend’s matches.

Did I mentioned there are nut-slinging squirrels out there?!

Hope you are well and the charges don’t stick.

Your loving brother,

(R)uffie!