In search of a better metaphor

We can’t keep using “The Dance” or “The Big Dance” for the NCAA Tournament. For one thing, it belongs to basketball, and, for a second thing, it’s stupid. Who, besides high school students who still have proms, is invited to a dance anymore, anyhow? I’m certainly not. Hey! Wait a damned second! Are all you bastards having dances and not inviting me?! Thanks a lot!

So I’ve given this some thought. I’d like to say I’ve given this a lot of thought, but that would be a lie, since I’ve only been thinking about it since I started typing, and many of those thoughts have been shoved aside by bigger and tougher thoughts about lunch. Nevertheless, here’s what I’ve come up with:

The Birthday Party

The Bus to Champtown

The Elevator to the Top Floor

Lunch

The Wedding

Poking the NCAA's


The Birthday Party

I know kids are still being invited to birthday parties. Picture poor little Suzie, sitting there in class while all her so-called friends jabber on about the crayon-lettered invites they just received to little Hailey’s 6th birthday party. Now picture someone posting “Poor Ohio School of Remedial Dentistry. 22-6 and still no cake for them.”

The Bus to Champtown

Ever miss a bus? Or any vehicle, for that matter. Could be a train, a plane, or a surrey with the fringe on top. Assuming it was headed somewhere you wanted to go -- not, for example, to Guantanamo -- it’s a major bummer. “Poor Ohio Institute of Adequately Constructed Large Buildings. 25-3 and still no ticket on the Greyhound.”

The Elevator to the Top Floor

How about an elevator crammed full of humanity? There was no room for you, even if you had managed to drop that 20 pounds you've been meaning to, uh, misplace. “Poor Ohio Satanic Tech. 23-7 and the elevator didn’t stop at their floor.”

Lunch

Still thinking about lunch. Forget this one.

The Wedding

Then there’s the wedding, the biggest bash of the year. Was the invitation lost in the mail? Does your only decent suit no longer fit? Did the groom find out about you and the bride? “Poor College of Ohio Grammar Reform. 25-1 and they might as well keep that toaster for themselves.”

Poking the NCAA's

I don’t know anything about Facebook. Or, ahem, "poking". But I’m guessing there’s an applicable metaphor in there somewhere.


There you have it. Six suggestions. I’ve given the old ball a push and it’s now rolling. Time for you to do whatever it is one does with a rolling ball. As for me, I’m late for lunch.