Ask the Dead Dog

Back by popular demand! A figure of speech, I admit. Perhaps even a lie, seeing as how there has been no demand whatsoever, other than from the dead dog himself. But without further doggie ado ...

As we sit here waiting for Friday afternoon to pass so the Friday night matches can commence, we initially thought it might be a good opportunity to reach into the old mail bag and answer some of the numerous letters we have been collecting from neighborhood mailboxes. However, Luke -- the titular dead dog, for those who have forgotten -- reminded me that this is, in fact, a felony; so we are moving on to plan B: Luke answering questions that he is asking himself.

Why would we do this, you ask? Great! There's question #1!

LUKE: That's a lousy question. Let me ask a better one.

LUKE ASKING A BETTER QUESTION: Where have you been, Luke? And how's that novel coming along?

No, we will not be asking, or answering, questions like that. They must be volleyball-related. It's a simple rule. Follow it, please.

LUKE ASKING A DIFFERENT QUESTION: First of all, it's great to have you back.

LUKE: Thanks. It's great to be back, even if I am still dead.

LUKE, CONTINUING WITH THE BETTER QUESTION: Will anyone ever write "the great American volleyball novel"?

LUKE: Excellent question. It so happens I have spent the last two years in Denmark attempting to do just that. I am proud to say it is coming along nicely. It's set in Denmark and involves a dead dog writing a novel ...

Stop it! Volleyball! Now!

LUKE, ASKING A VOLLEYBALL QUESTION: What is the proper height for a net? I don't really care, but (R)uffda!'s being an ass.

LUKE: Depends on how you define "proper," "height," and "net." Also depends on the culture. In Denmark, for instance, "What is the proper height for a net?" is considered one of the most obscene things anyone could possibly ask a Danish pastry shop owner.

That is not true.

LUKE: Oh, so suddenly you're the Danish pastry shop obscenity expert? Have you even been to Copenhagen? Do you even know what a Kopenhangener Gebäck is?

LUKE, ASKING ANOTHER VOLLEYBALL QUESTION: Did you see those pants Rob Patrick was wearing the other night?

LUKE: I did. How many points do you think that cost his team?

LUKE, PUZZLED THAT LUKE IS ASKING HIM A QUESTION: You're asking me?

LUKE: Yes.

LUKE, NOW VERY PUZZLED: I'm very puzzled.

LUKE: I see that. It says "Luke, now very puzzled."

Will you please stop this?! Answer your own question. One of you!

LUKE: I have to think it was worth at least three points a game to Kentucky. Young women are very style-conscious. That sort of thing has to mess with their minds. Plus they were pretty hypnotic. Hard to follow the ball when you're staring at Rob's pants.

LUKE, COMMENTING ON LUKE'S COMMENT: That's something I've heard many coaches say.

LUKE: How do you think this rally score experiment is going?

LUKE, NOW THE LUKE ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS IT SEEMS: I can tell you what they think in Denmark.

LUKE: What's that?

LUKE, ACTUALLY STOOPING TO STEALING FROM AIRPLANE: It's a small country in Europe, known for pastries and odd obscenities.

You two do realize you have destroyed my blog, just when the readership was starting to grow, right?

LUKE: Your readers are abnormally short? Are they children or just growth-impaired? Or do you mean your readers are mostly DSs?

LUKE, ANSWERING FOR (R)UFFDA!: What they lack in height, they make up for in a distinct lack of mental acuity.

Hey! You can't say that!

LUKE: One last question before we go play fetch or whatever it is that dead dogs are supposed to do.

LUKE, WITH THE LAST QUESTION: Do you think he'll ever let us do Ask the Dead Dog again?

LUKE: Who died and left him in charge? I mean, besides me?