Peeves III

I hesitated to continue with this exhibition of Peeves on Parade. Some grump, who shall remain nameless, let’s just call him/her ladeda, posted that dirt was more interesting than my blog. Dirt! I have to tell you I was offended at first, cut to the quick. Not only was my quick bleeding, my feelings were bruised, sulking and scared to go out of the house. Although I had promised myself that my blog would be an instrument for Good, I was sorely tempted to type ladeda a new one. Then I googled “dirt” and discovered just how fascinating soil can be. Judge for yourself, but I think ladeda has a valid point.

http://www.answers.com/topic/soil?cat=technology

So even if it is admittedly less exciting than dirt, we move along to my second pet peeve: backrow block and backrow attack calls. You know the play. Team A’s player passes or digs Team B’s wicked serve or blistering attack (or feeble free ball, for that matter), and the ball ends up somewhere near or in the space over the net. Team A’s setter valiantly attempts to set the ball and it is simultaneously or subsequently touched by one or more of Team B’s blockers. A sharp whistle pierces the air. All eyes turn to the first referee, who is still flush from tooting the play dead.

The thing is, the first referee, if the ball was completely above the height of the net, has to make a call. There is no gray area, as there is for most other calls. There was a fault, the only question is: whose fault was it?

The 2007 NCAA Women’s Volleyball Rules and Interpretations* -- a spellbinding tome if ever there was one -- is the mother of my peeve. I’ll let it speak for itself.

14.5 Attack-Hit

14.5.1 Definition

An attack-hit is an action, other than a block or a serve, that directs the ball toward an opponent. An attack hit is completed the instant the ball completely crosses the vertical plane of the net or is touched by an opponent.

Furthermore,

14.5.4 Back-Row Attacker

14.5.4.1 A back-row player who is in the front zone may not complete an attack-hit if, at contact, the ball is entirely above the top of the net. The contact does not become illegal until the attack-hit is complete. (See Rule 14.5.1.)

So here’s the deal. The first referee, who is above the height of the net (unless he or she is of Pygmy descent) and possibly, but not necessarily, perched at the center of one end of the net, must, in the instant the ball is contacted, be able to discern

+ whether or not the ball is completely above the horizontal plane of the net

+ whether or not the blocker has touched the ball after some part of it has entered the vertical plane of the net

+ for which team (R)uffda! is rooting (so he or she can make the call in the other team’s favor)

And, again, the call must be made if the ball is completely above the horizontal plane of the net. Also, I feel compelled to remind you, even though I feel pretty stupid doing so, the object in question is round, being a ball and all. This is not a volleybox, or any other volleyobject with straight edges, entering or not entering these imaginary planes; it’s a volleysphere. But there is our first referee, confidently indicating that Team A’s setter or Team B’s blocker has committed a fault.

It is my contention that these first referees, in 90% or more of these plays, do not have a clue as to where the ball was in relation to these vertical and horizontal planes and therefore has no business making a call which will cause poor (R)uffda! such grief. My motto is: If you don’t know, let ‘em play. (Well, that and “Don’t Tread on (R)uffda!”) So, why oh why do the rules force these poor first referees to pretend they know what happened and blow their whistles? Why can’t they be given the out of Man, that was close, I better just let it go? Why do they treat a complex play like this as if it were as simple as a linejudge guessing whether a ball was in or out?

It’s a pet peeve of mine, it is.



* The 2007 NCAA Women’s Volleyball Rules and Interpretations is published by The National Collegiate Athletic Association, with the manuscript prepared by the distinguished Marcia Alterman.

http://www.ncaa.org/library/rules/2007/2007_w_volleyball_rules.pdf

Peeves II

The players who continued to hang out at the local saloon discussed all of this, and maroon and gold was seriously considered. Nevertheless, two of Professor Hoopy’s sons -- Harold and Henry -- vehemently argued in favor of ecru and chartreuse. Using the skills their father had taught them, and the influence of vast amounts of alcohol on the rest of the team, they convinced the others that maroon and gold were much too common, and that the team deserved truly distinctive colors. When the “meeting” finally adjourned, Henry Hoopy quickly ordered the uniforms. For close to 50 years, the Ecru and Chartreuse, as the squad came to be called, wore the Hoopy colors more or less proudly, in spite of the ridicule heaped upon them by opposition players and fans alike.

In the meantime, the school adopted the gopher as its official mascot. This was not surprising; Minnesota had been known as the “Gopher State” since the late 1850s following two signature events. The first was a cartoon in a local paper which showed nine gophers, each with the head of a local politician, pulling a locomotive -- something to do with the expansion of a railroad through Western Minnesota. The second was what came to be known as the “Revenge of the Gopher Nine” when these same politicians, wearing home-made gopher suits, stormed the newspaper and seized the cartoonist. One witness later described the assailants as “horrifying, like large, ugly squirrels,” and also claimed the cartoonist was dragged out “screaming like my 2-year-old niece.” The story, understandably, made headlines throughout the country and the Gopher State soon entered the nation’s vernacular, synonymous with Minnesota. The cartoonist was never found.

In 1931, the Gopher football team failed to cross midfield for the entire season. The time had come, the players decided, for a change -- and they would start with the color of the uniforms. The maroon and gold school colors were the obvious choice, and to make the ensemble even more original, they decided on gold jerseys and pants, with only the players’ numbers in maroon. The sporting goods representative gave them three swatches of maroon fabric and five of gold from which to choose. After six hours of intense deliberation, they picked the Steamed Beets Maroon, but were still torn between Honey Bee Gold and Frisky Golden Spaniel. It was starting tackle Leroy “Cleatface” O’Reilly who lamented that it was too bad there wasn’t a "Frisky Golden Gopher", setting in motion events which would change the course of Minnesota athletic apparel history. The rep, who had had long since lost patience with the whole process -- and was having a very bad week, according to his journal -- responded that they could call it “Frisky Golden Wombat” for all he cared, it was just a “goddamned shade of yellow for cripesakes!” The team decided, as long as they had carte blanche, to drop the “Frisky” while they were at it.

From 1932 through 1941, Minnesota won seven Big Ten titles and five National Championships, only losing twelve games in the process. The “Golden Gopher”, as the team was now called, was the pride of the state. In 1943, Crayola introduced “Golden Gopher” as a standard color in their 48-pack of crayons. In 1944, the University of Minnesota sued Crayola for $3.6 million dollars, claiming use of the color was “not fair.” The case is still pending.

So, to summarize: It’s a color, dammit!

Pet Peeves

Pet peeves is an interesting topic, as blog topics go. Unless, of course, you were an undomesticated young peeve running wild on the prairie with your sibling peeves and were snatched up by some heartless peeve-poacher and sold to PestMart. Then it’s more of a horrific topic. But I’m going to assume none of my readers are feral peeves, or peeves of any variety, for that matter. I’m also going to assume I have readers.

The upshot is that I have a few of these peeves and I’d like to list them here. I promise they are all volleyball-related. Any resemblance to the list previously posted by the so-called “Luke” is purely coincidental. Since he has not followed up on his parcel of peeves, as he said he would, it’s Tough Alpo for Luke, regardless. Anyhow, here’s my list. I’m going to use bullets, by the way. Something a dog would never think to do.

* People (which by definition includes Wolfgang) who still think “Golden Gopher” is an animal, rather than a color

* The backrow block/backrow attack calls

* Complaints about missed touch calls

* Dead dogs blogging on my blog

* The lack of helpful graphics during TV coverage of the sport

I have more. But this is probably more than enough for a blog. So, without further ado...


Golden Gopher

The very first football game for the University of Minnesota was September 29, 1882. This was originally to have been a “Field Day” with Carleton and Hamline joining the Minnesota students, but Carleton apparently got the date wrong and showed up September 29, 1282, after spending hundreds of dollars on constructing a time machine and endless hours working out the logistics, such as what snacks to bring along and what to wear. The Hamline kids, who weren’t really in to “Field Days” in the first place, wanted to book, but Minnesota’s captain, one A.J. “Baldy” Baldwin, persuaded the Pipers to stick around for a game of football. Although Baldwin scored the first points in the 4-0 Minnesota victory and performed the first end zone celebration in football history, he unfortunately pulled his groin in the process. He subsequently suffered severe frostbite from his imprudent and, according to his doctors, excessive application of an ice pack.

Later that day, as the players sat around drinking beer and sharing a laugh regarding Baldy’s misfortune, the conversation turned to the afternoon’s game and what was next. A top priority for the players, just below convincing young women to stand on the sidelines with pom-poms cheering for them, was the acquisition of snazzy uniforms for any future contests. This, in turn, brought them around to a discussion about the design of the jerseys, which, in still another turn, transported them to a touchy subject at the university: the school colors.

For 29 years, the university’s teachers had chosen different colors for each graduation ceremony. In 1879, Professor Maxwell Hoopy of the Philosophy Department had been granted this honor and had picked an ecru and chartreuse scheme which pleased no one and sickened hundreds. The following year, the privilege was passed to an English instructor, a Mrs. Augustus Smith, and she chose maroon and gold. The same colors were used in 1881, perhaps due to their popularity or perhaps just to avoid the Hoopy Fiasco of 1879. There was talk of declaring maroon and gold not just the permanent colors of the graduation ceremony, but also the official colors of the school itself.

[I had no idea this was going to be so long-winded. To be continued!]

A different take on the Big10 Network

It dawned on me this evening that this is actually an opportunity for the volleyball community. The short and sweet of it is this: Cancel your cable and get a dish. Forget for a minute the greed behind the whole sordid affair and think of it strictly in terms of volleyball. Here we have a system (DirecTV) which is bringing us more volleyball, both with this new network and with ESPNU and CSTV and the FOX Sports network. How can it be anything but beneficial for us to throw our support toward them? What the heck is wrong with having a TV system that is going to appreciate that support?

An added bonus? You get to stick it to one of the least liked businesses known to mankind. Heck, this is almost as good as kicking an oil exec in the teeth.

I say make the switch and tell them why.

Response to "Luke"

On the advice of counsel, I would like to respond to the latest blog posted by “Luke”, whoever that may be.

1) It is true I don’t believe in Dog Love. Dogs are fickle creatures, loyal to whomever fed them last. If that’s love, ba-hooey!

2) OK. It is short for “Cool Hand Luke” and my sisters did call him “Honey". But I’m pretty sure it was “Honey Lucas”, not “Honey Luscious”.

3) I categorically deny burying the next door neighbor in Newel Park.

As for your idea about ranking teams, I like it. I second your motion to have Gorf work on it.

Now, leave me alone!

Ask (R)uffda!

Ask (R)uffda!

I was told John Cook explained the 5-1 and 6-2 on a recent CSTV broadcast, but I missed it. (I was organizing my socks.) Can you give me a brief summary of these offensive systems?

Brief? That’s like asking Einstein to give a brief summary of his Theory of Relativity! This is complex stuff! Some of the best minds in the sport have spent years developing and perfecting these systems and have written volumes on the topic! For me to summarize their work would not not only be an act of supreme arrogance, it would be insulting to those distinguished trailblazers, some of whom gave their lives in pursuit of the rotational discourse!

That said, the 5-1 is run by a team whose setter rotates through the front row, meaning she only has two available front row hitters when she herself is in the front row. The 6-2 is run by a team with two setters positioned opposite each other in the team rotation, each of whom only set when in the back row. This means each setter always has three front row hitters available, which is usually two more than she needs.

You didn’t ask, but there is also the Hinkle-Farbuckle System conceived by Meghan Hinkle-Farbuckle, who, at the time, was a junior at Spiro Agnew High School in Pocomoke City, Maryland. Basically, it involved Hinkle-Farbuckle spiking any ball that came near her in the general direction of her head coach, with whom she had “issues.” This system is rarely employed.

I know this is off-topic, but could you give me a brief summary of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? I’d ask Einstein, but I’m told he’s dead.

Well, sure. Simply put, it states that the odds of one of your cousins being a transcendent pain in the keyster is directly proportional to the likelihood of that cousin coming for an extended visit. See also the concept of “Black Hole.”

Can you tell me why servers who miss their serve are tapping themselves on the chest? At first I thought they were saying “My bad,” but then whose bad would it be if it weren’t their bad?

Whose bad is it? Why it’s your bad for not lending these poor servers the fan support they so obviously need. If you aren’t willing to step up and take the blame for their failures, you are not entitled to revel in their success. There’s way too much revelling in our society anyhow, if you ask me.

Why do people bother to ask you questions? You never give answers that are respectful, and they are frequently incorrect. I wouldn’t even be asking this question if I weren’t conveying a none-too-subtle statement of utter contempt in the process. Bozo.

Well, MY BAD I say, tapping my chest while I type (no easy task). I had no idea I was being disrespectful to my readership. Believe me, my intent was to focus the totality of my disrespect solely on YOU.

And, by the way, was it 1% or 2% you wanted me to pick up on the way home from work, dearest?

Dog Blog II

The answers are as follow:

1) Her name was Meredith and I loved her madly. You never understood. But why would you? You never have believed in Dog Love.

2) It’s short for “Cool Hand Luke,” although your sisters sometimes claimed it was short for “Honey Luscious.” It has served me well. A much better name than Tolkie.

3) That was the next door neighbor. Not Meredith, mind you. The other one. And some day, my so-called master, you will be found out. Evil, unlike bones and neighbors, never stays buried.


Moving on. I have a great idea for a new ranking system, so hear me out. What if we give a team credit, besides the one for the win, for all the victories of the team they beat, at the time they beat that team? For example, UCLA beats San Diego. They get one point for the win and 7 points for all of San Diego’s victories.

Meanwhile, the losing team receives a debit for the loss, but additional debits for every loss the winning team had at the time of the loss. For example, San Diego takes a hit for the loss plus takes another for UCLA’s one loss so far this season.

I think it’s brilliant.

Unfortunately, I’m pretty busy. I’m going to have to turn this over to Gorf to initiate.

Note that the points become steadily higher as the season progresses! Cupcake conference schedules are not rewarded! It’s simple! It’s the work of a dog.

Isn’t the world a wonderful place?

And, (R)uffda!, stay out of my Blog!

Luke

Doubting (R)uffda!

I do not, for one second, believe this is our old dog Luke. To prove it, I am going to ask him 3 questions that only Luke could answer. If he gets them wrong or refuses to answer, I'm contacting the Blog Pound.

1) You were particularly fond of our neighbor. What was her name?

2) "Luke" is short for something. What?

3) You and I buried something in the woods about 25 years ago. What was it?

Ha! Not everyone around here is as gullible as ... as gullible as ... as gullible as a group of gullible people might be gullible. No sirree!

Meanwhile, the Gophers will be taking on Charlotte later on tonight. Courtney Cowles comes home to face her little sister, Haley. The early match features Creighton against Wisconsin-Green Bay, Allie Oelke versus 2003 Miss Minnesota Volleyball Betty Slinger.

Also meanwhile, Tabi Love committed to the Gophers this week. Life can be kind after all.

Luke's blog

(R)uffda!'s dog here. Luke, they call me, when they call me. You might find it odd for a dog to be blogging about volleyball. You might find it even odder when I tell you I moved on to the Big Kennel in the Sky about 20 years ago. That's right. It's a Dead Dog Blog.

So why's old Luke blogging rather than scampering around in -- and crapping all over -- the happy hunting grounds? Well, for starters, (R)uffda!'s been asleep at the wheel for several days, non-blogging as it were. Blogger's Block, he says. Blogger’s lazy butt, I say. Then, for continuings, I've been looking for a new hobby for a while now, ever since I lost interest in learning Italian (long story). And volleyball's always fascinated me, ever since I was a pup. Well, more so fetch maybe, but, still, there was a ball involved. Finally, for finallies, I'm riled up about something.

You know what always got my fleas flying when I was alive and scratching? There was this guy, a pasty-faced guy in a blue suit with a big old bag. Almost every day he'd come to the house and shove papers through a narrow slot in the front door. What the hell?! I'd say before going berserk and chawing on those papers something awful. And then, get this, someone would kick me and call me names and wrench the offensive material from the vice-like grip of my jaws! Like I was the one who'd brought the crap into the damned house!

Anyhow, there’s some stuff going on in volleyball that has the same sort of effect on me. Actually, quite a bunch of stuff. I’ve made a list:

1) The Pac 10 versus the Big 10
2) Gametracker
3) John Cook
4) The AVCA poll
5) Pablo
6) Rich Kern’s color scheme
7) Dave Shoji’s lineup shuffling
8) Washington’s non-conference schedule
9) The multi-colored volleyball
10) Snacks

I hope to expound on these items. Soon. In the meantime, your cat says “hi.”

Big10 receives Bad News and then some Worse News

The doctor walks into the examination room where his patient sits, waiting for a consultation.

“I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news,” he says. “I’m going to be blunt: Your tests just came back and you only have six months to live.”

“That’s terrible!” gasps the patient. “But, doc, didn’t I take those tests 5 months ago?!”

“Well, I did say I had worse news.”

*****

I suppose things could be even worse. You could be Lloyd Carr, for instance. Or Lloyd Carr’s dog. But, all in all, you’d have to dig pretty deep through the record books (something I sure as hell will not be doing) to find a worse volleyball weekend for the Big10 Conference.

Here’s the list:

Colorado State over Ohio State, 3-0 (22, 25, 21)
LSU over Illinois, 3-2 (27, [26], 28, [22], 11)
Ohio over Minnesota, 3-2 ([24], 29, [18], 27, 13)
Loyola Marymount over Northwestern, 3-0 (26, 22, 25)
UNLV over Northwestern, 3-1 (28, 24, [25], 27)
Nebraska over Penn State, 3-0 (20, 21, 27)
Dayton over Purdue, 3-0 (27, 24, 33)
Utah over Purdue, 3-2 ([26], 27, 29, [18], 13)
BYU over Wisconsin, 3-2 ([26], 25, 15, [26], 13)

This does not include the scares provided in these 5-game wins: Penn State/Cal Poly, Purdue/North Carolina, Michigan State/Kansas, and Indiana/Jacksonville.

To be fair, MSU had three good wins, Minnesota beat San Diego, PSU squeaked by Cal Poly, and Wisconsin defeated UNI. If you’re looking for a ray or two of sunshine poking through the dark clouds, there they are. Enjoy!