Metagophersis

Monday morning, when I woke from anxious dreams, I discovered that while I slept I had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug. How Kafkaesque, I said to myself. No, that is Kafka, I replied to myself. How plagiaristic would be the phrase you’re looking for. What was with the attitude? Shut up! I said to myself. Make me! I snapped back. Things threatened to turn ugly, although not nearly as ugly as some other things, such as monstrous verminous bugs, for instance.

I rolled out of bed and landed on my tiny feet, all three pairs of them. Normally, I would probably have run screaming down the hall as fast as my mini-legs could carry me, frightening the wife and daughters, and totally messing with the cats’ fragile psyches. But as incidents of the past few days went, waking up as a cockroach just seemed like more of the same. It was unpleasant, to be sure, it just wasn’t that big of a deal. It certainly wasn’t the most unpleasant event of the weekend. That dubious honor belongs to the Gopher volleyball matches I had attended.

So, while I ponder what to wear to work today -- what goes with a hard reddish-brown shell and antennae anyhow? -- let’s review the weekend.

The Big Bad Badgers from East Minnesota came to town Friday night and there was every reason to believe the Gophers were ready for them: the Badgers were 6-0, tied for first place with the Knittin’ Lions, and the Gophs were 5-1. Here was their chance to re-enter the Big10 title chase. Sure, Jessy Jones was still hobbled and not even a definite to play, but this was Minnesota’s home court and they had dispatched the Badgers with relative ease in 2006.

Game One looked promising. The Badgers started off slowly, trailing 7-3 and 9-5. They managed to close that gap, however, and even led by four several times themselves, the last time at 24-20. It was now the Gophers turn to gnaw away at that lead. A kill and a block by the formidable Kyla Roehrig brought them to 23-24. Two more kills and another block by Roehrig, plus a kill on two by Jones (who did play, albeit at far less than 100%), put them back in the lead at 28-27. Coach Waite called his second timeout, the Pavilion was rocking, and Life looked like puppies frolicking in the summer sunshine. Following Audra Jeffers’ first-ball sideout in the middle, Rachelle Hagerty’s tip blocked by Jeffers and Jackie Simpson, and an ace by Brittney Dolgner, Life seemed more like puppies frolicking on I-94.

Game Two was not very close. The Gophers scored three points at the very end to make it respectable, but it was still a 30-26 loss and they trailed 2-0 at the break. Game Three, on the other hand, was extremely close up until 20 all. Unfortunately, the Badgers kept scoring a point here and there, and slowly pulled away to a 30-25 win and the sweep.

This was a disappointing result to be sure, but not totally unexpected. Wisconsin is a veteran club and Jones was not at her best. I managed to sleep decently and I woke up as myself. Not that that’s anything to be excited about, but it’s certainly better than waking up as a member of the Blattidae family.

Illinois was up next, Saturday night. I’m not going to bother with the repulsive details here. Let’s just say the Gophs were thoroughly DeBrulered, including a game four meltdown that should have had Al Gore zipping in from Greenland to empathize with our plight.
And now, to top it all off, I’m a cockroach. The Gophers are 5-3 in the Big10 and I’m a hideous bug. Great. Just great.